Sheep shots

by andrew.mcnulty / 01 August, 2009
It's no use being sheepish about it. The Aussies find sheep jokes about New Zealanders hilarious - they were a favourite even of New Zealand-born Professor Fred Hollows, who later became an Australian citizen. Then, of course, there's the funny way we talk. There are long lusts of the words we get wrong. Though that can work to our advantage: What did Kiwis do when an Aussie sprayed "New Zealand sucks" on a Sydney overbridge? Added "Australia nil".

Here are some of the best classic lines about the Kiwi-Aussie rivalry, many of which have appeared in the pages of this magazine.

Aussie jokes about Kiwis:

What are the best years of a New Zealander's life? Answer: Fifth form.

A New Zealander rings up the Guinness Book of Records and says, "I want to get in the record book. I've just completed a jigsaw in two weeks." "So what," says the assessor, "that doesn't sound very unusual. " "But it says on the box three to five years."

What can't you find in New Zealand? Virgin wool.

How do you spell sheep in New Zealand? Leave them alone for two weeks.

The story goes that at a Bledisloe Cup match in Sydney, one of the All Blacks went down with a leg injury and the physio ran out to rub liniment into the limb. "Forget the liniment," yelled a loud Aussie in the stands. "Try mint sauce!" The crowd roared.

Did you hear the price of New Zealand lamb went up today? It's $2.49 an hour. - Peter Fitzsimons

New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human. - Barry Humphries

There are an Aussie and a Kiwi. The Aussie says, "Look, a dead seagull", and points to the ground. The Kiwi says, "Where, where?" and looks up at the sky.

Everything is being downsized because of the recession. Next year, I'll be starring in a movie called New Zealand. - Hugh Jackman

Kiwi jokes about Aussies:

Why are Australians so well-balanced? Chip on both shoulders.

In Australia, anyone can become a real estate agent. In fact, in Australia pretty well anyone is. - John Clarke

Why do they use rats in laboratory experiments? Because there are some things even Australian bankers won't do.

John: My uncle's got a sheep station so big it takes him nine days to drive a cross it in his jackaroo. What does that tell you, mate?

Billy: Don't buy Aussie cars.

- Billy T James

After the infamous under-arm bowling incident, Kiwis at the next cricket international chanted for champion lawn bowler Nick Unkovich.

Why is the Australian national drink called XXXX? Because they can't spell

B-E-E-R.

Two Aboriginal men talking. "How's your brother?" "He's passed away." "I'm sorry," says the first, "I didn't know he'd been arrested."

Last word:

"It's a f---ing meringue!" - Billy Connolly

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