Can we declare New Zealand a Trump-free zone?

by Bill Ralston / 26 November, 2017
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Donald Trump. Photo/Getty Images

Short of getting a jab to ward off infection by the US President, how about a wall?

I don’t just mean banning him from our ports. I want something such as a spam filter that erases any mention of him in the news. There are sound health reasons for doing this.

Many Kiwis will be experiencing potentially dangerous spikes in blood pressure whenever one of his ridiculous utterances is reported. There is also the risk of strained stomach muscles from convulsing in laughter at the sight and sound of the man bumbling about on television.

We shouldn’t laugh, though. For all the buffoonery, those tiny hands of his are hovering over the nuclear button that would herald Armageddon. Summer is coming and I’m not yet ready to answer the call of Judgment Day – there are many more lunches to have before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I’m hoping the military guy who follows Trump about carrying the briefcase with the nuclear trigger has the wit to quietly remove the device’s batteries. There is always the chance that Trump wouldn’t remember the nuclear code to unlock the trigger anyway, unless of course the numbers related to his last golf scorecard. That he would recall. The risk is too great.

According to the polls, more than two-thirds of Americans no longer want him as president and, a year into his four-year term, his approval rating is poised to plummet into uncharted depths below 35%. This is what worries me. The man’s vanity and ego will not be able to tolerate that and he will look for a way to distract US citizens. The best way to do that will be to pick an argument and nuke somewhere such as North Korea.

North Korea has neither oil nor a Trump hotel and is therefore, to the Donald’s mind, expendable. Besides, the pudgy Kim Jong-un threatens to dethrone Trump as most-barking-mad world leader, which Trump would not stand for.

However, there is the risk in nuking North Korea that Trump could also obliterate the friendly South, so he may be looking for another target. I can see him thinking of somewhere remote, thousands of kilometres from another friendly nation, at the bottom of the Pacific. Somewhere that doesn’t produce much oil and has neglected to erect a five-star luxury Trump hotel. You get my drift? This is why I’m worried.

You may have noticed a photo in the papers of Jacinda Ardern after her election success speaking on the phone to Trump. She looked worried, too. Bigly worried. Compare that shot of a nervous Ardern with the one of her beaming and chatting happily with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau taken the next day. She knows the Trump threat is not fake news. Sad.

I have noticed New Zealanders’ articulateness suffering in the age of Trump. People are repeatedly uttering simple phrases, destroying syntax and ending their remarks with a single word. Like him, we are beginning to tweet aloud. Bad.

I have also read news reports quoting psychiatrists and psychologists saying Trump’s mangled speech is evidence of cognitive degeneration. This is, therefore, infecting us all.

There is no hope if we allow ourselves to continue to consume Trump and Trumpisms. We need to be inoculated or we will become like him. The only solution is the Trump-free zone. I want to build a wall around him. The Mexicans will pay for it.

This article was first published in the November 18, 2017 issue of the New Zealand Listener.

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