Bad dates: Titillating tales of romantic trauma, just in time for Valentine's

by Paperboy / 11 February, 2017

Save the animals

I had a great first date with a Tinder boy that went south very quickly when he thought I made a bestiality joke. I hadn’t – but there was no level of explaining that could save the conversation. Jane

Make-out sesh

Halfway through my first ever Tinder date, he started making out with me in the middle of a very busy cafe. I couldn’t work out why the kissing was so bad until I remembered he was a free diver and literally did not need to breathe for minutes at a time. Catherine 

Animal farm

On a second date with a boy, he told me he has once recorded an album of his favourite songs as different farmyard animals, including ‘Islands in the Stream’ as a pig. He also wanted to be in a band where the lead singer was a dog. Megan 

Copping an earful

I went on a date with a boy I had liked for ages and when he was dropping me home, he tried to kiss me just as I moved to take my seatbelt off and ended up making out with my right ear. I started laughing and couldn’t stop. No second date. Emma 

The drug run

I went on a day-time date with a dude who was secretly eating pills. He was also selling them on the date, so essentially I was on a date with a dealer. He pretty much took me on his drug run and I had to drive because I wasn’t drinking. As you can imagine, we didn’t go on a second date. Sophie 

Park life

On my first-ever Tinder date the guy kept interrupting our conversations to say I was beautiful and then asked if I wanted to go to the skate park to drink cider because he couldn’t afford to buy us more drinks. He wouldn’t stop trying to make out with me. He also brought up that he cheated on his ex and had erectile dysfunction. Jess 

Tick tock

I went on a date once where the guy asked my age. When I replied I was 30 his response was: “Fuck! I was hoping you’d be in your twenties. Your reproductive system is nearly down the gurgler”.Jamie 

Gilmour guy

I went on a date with a girl who followed me on Instagram about a year later. Through Instagram I found her blog and there was a post from about a year ago that featured me in her Tinder disaster dates. It said: “Then there was the guy who ran a Gilmore Girls appreciation society and at 26 years of age, lived at home and couldn’t drive.” I didn’t really mind because all of those things are mostly true! (I was just one of the founding members of OAGGAS, the Official Auckland Gilmore Girls Appreciation Society, no one ‘runs’ it really). David  

Mincing words

I have long stuck to a 2am rule: if you haven’t picked up by then, don’t bother, as it’ll inevitably be a shambles if you do. Rules, of course, are made to be broken, and one night I took a guy home from a nightclub around 3am. On the way back to my place in a cab, he asked the driver to stop at a dairy. He bought two pies – I didn’t want one but it wasn’t offered, either. When I woke up the next morning he’d already left, but one of the pies was on the bedside table, cold and a bit congealed, a reminder that the 2am rule should never be broken. Jeff 

A Mormon in time

I have a terrible rejection story to share from when I was single (and desperate). Years ago, I was at a stationery store printing photos to put on my wall and I bumped into a Mormon missionary. He began talking to me and I became overly excited because I hadn’t spoken to a male in a very long, long time. We started talking and I gave him my number because I thought, ‘well even if he doesn’t like me, he will still have to call me or knock on my door because that’s what they do, isn’t it?’ He never called me. Or texted me. Or knocked on my door. And I was 100 percent convinced that I would die alone because if I couldn’t even get a missionary to call me back, then I was definitely cursed. Thankfully, not too long after, I met my amazing partner and he never fails to text me, call me or knock on my door. Reina 

Netflix and run for the hills

After having coffee with a rather beautiful man, I was left disappointed because he barely looked at me throughout the entire date. The next time I saw him, a few months later on a night out, he asked what I had been eating, because I looked “healthy and good” (said while he stared at my bum). He then asked if I’d like to Netflix and chill sometime. Isabelle

 


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