Celebrating Pippa Middleton

by Listener Archive / 03 November, 2012
Bill Ralston: More about Pippa Middleton and her derrière
'Conceptual Art' - cartoon by Steve Bolton

‘It’s a bit startling to achieve global recognition (if that’s the right word) before the age of 30, on account of your sister, your brother-in-law and your bottom,” says 29-year-old Pippa Middleton, who admits to struggling with her new-found celebrity status. Indeed, few of us could make that claim, especially me in the bum stakes. However, fame has its rewards, as she discovered when a beneficent publisher recently paid her more than $500,000 for her party-planning guide, Celebrate.

Whether the publisher got a good deal remains to be seen, especially as Pippa is refusing to do the American media circuit to promote her book. This, inadvertently, forces the media to use stock shots from the royal wedding, featuring her perfectly shaped buttocks following her sister Kate into the church for her wedding to William, thus reinforcing Pippa’s three claims to fame. Actually, it’s odd that one of the sisters is renowned for the exposure to millions of her bum and the other for revealing her breasts. The downside of Pippa’s derrière fame is that it has brought out the critics. In August, designer
Karl Lagerfield, 78, said Pippa struggles with her looks. “I don’t like the sister’s face. She should only show her back.”

This from a man whose face resembles an octogenarian Mr Ed in Ray-Bans. Still, if Pippa wanted to follow Karl Lagerfield’s kind advice she could pick up the latest Chinese fashion of a “facekini”. While browsing cyberspace I found some photos of Chinese women at a beach, determined to preserve their delicate pale complexions by wearing full head masks of the kind only previously worn by wrestlers and the Phantom. The colourful balaclavas made of swimsuit material are a truly weird sight, especially when combined with a skimpy bikini. That, in itself, is peculiar because the end effect is while the face is covered and kept pale the body is largely exposed to the tanning of the sun.

I’m sure Pippa has learnt from Kate’s experience and won’t be whipping off her bikini top or, heaven forbid, the pants, so she would end up with the odd striped effect of brown legs, white bum, brown tum, white hooters, brown neck and white face. Mr Lagerfield would have more cause for complaint at the sight and, as she was named by Time magazine as one of world’s “One hundred most influential people”, soon women all over the planet would be heavily striped for summer.

If you don’t believe she could have that kind of influence I’d introduce as evidence the 240,927 “likes” on her Facebook page. Reinforcing her main claim to fame are messages such as Jordan Aaron Low’s charming banter, “You have a nice bum … Wana go on a date? We could …” and the delightfully hopeful Nick Larter, who asks, “Hi Pippa do you fancy meeting up sometime? x”. My favourite comment is from Timothy B Dunn, who demanded, “Are you coming for Tea or not?” My guess, not. Yet despite all this, Pippa says, “In most ways I’m a typical girl in her 20s trying to forge a career and represent herself in what can sometimes seem rather strange circumstances”.

Her career needs a bit of forging as, at the moment, she’s only working two days a week in Mum and Dad’s party-planning business, Party Pieces, and the odd hour or two with a London-based events organiser, Table Talk. I’m hoping her foray into literature with Celebrate: A Year of British Festivities for Family and Friends could open new doors, perhaps even here at the Listener. She has experience, she writes the online newsletter Party Times for Party Pieces, so might be perfect as a columnist, for instance on the back page. Whoa! Hold on. I’ll be out of a job and that woman will have made an ass out of me.
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