MetroLOLs for December

by Metro / 06 December, 2017

Good to know

 

Tax me up:
New taxes we could all get behind

 A Bublé tithe for any store playing Christmas music before December 1.

A supermarket surcharge for anyone who talks back to the self-serve checkout.

A wage garnish for bar staff who whip your glass away before it’s bone dry.

A toxic-tweeting tax for unnecessary nastiness in 140 characters.

A TOP tariff for starting a political party just because you can.

Present tense:
What we really want for Christmas

 Free-range turkeys to sell out in November, so you can pitch a drop-in tapas afternoon instead of prepping a Christmas lunch.

A stylish globe, pinned to map our travels and annoy that one belligerent flat-earther in the family.

To sit up and watch Santa try to get in via the heat pump.

Rain, so we won’t have to cover the kids in SPF, hats, rash suits, and lock them in a dark basement.

Please, God, to not run out of booze on Christmas Day.

My food baggage:
New summer recipes to try, probably

Wild nettle and dandelion leaf salad, or whatever else is in the lawnmower catcher.

Harakeke tacos with pumpkin spice foam.

Unicorn cocktails: just mix all the liqueurs you’ve got and add glitter until it feels like there’s a spike in your skull.

Kombucha fricassee with insect protein crumb.

The Simon Gault green smoothie and public self-flagellation cleanse.

Razzle dazzle ’em:
Unique ways to be memorable during party season

Keep an Excel document of where you’ve already worn your new Karen Walker so you don’t expose it to the same audience twice.

Put an Uber driver on retainer and refer to him as your chauffeur.

Follow YouTube makeup tutorials and really commit to the glitter.

Memorise a few debatably racist anecdotes and you’ll be talked about long after you leave.

Walk into the party like you’re walking onto a yacht — unsteadily, in flat shoes.

Always leave a party while you’re still having fun; if necessary, don’t arrive.

 


 

Survey

What DIY jobs will you be tackling this year?

  7%        Checking my privilege, in case it needs topping up.

13%        Dusting every slat on the venetian blinds. Honestly, this year I will, I swear.

19%        Clearing the starling nest out of the guttering, unless you think it makes the place feel a bit Tuscan? No?

23%        Tackling the last 12 months’ worth of handwash-only laundry

38%        DIY? How will all this wealth trickle  down if I DIY?


 

Haiku

Sand in my Mr
Whippy, both in my iPhone
Takapuna Beach

Camping is great, hun
Watching the kids run and climb
Looking for Wi-Fi

They had free shipping
Which seemed like such a good deal That I bought two spas

Love tiny houses!
So cute! Also love owning
Storage unit shares

No more plastic bags
At Countdown! Except for the
Reusable ones!

Acid-washed denim
Is back, but did it ever
Leave Waitakere?

Married at First Sight
Isn’t it really just the
Ultimate swipe right?


 

In the next issue!

PLUS:

THE OFFICE DO: Don’t

NEW YEAR’S DAY: Hangovers three ways

HOW TO ENJOY A NIGHT MARKET: It IS possible

YOUR HANDCRAFTS: Their Christmas nightmare

 

This is published in the November- December 2017 issue of Metro.

Latest

Vital evidence in Pike River mine disaster missing, say families
102465 2019-02-18 09:22:49Z Planet

Vital evidence in Pike River mine disaster missing…

by RNZ

Some families of Pike River mine victims suspect a piece of vital evidence may have been spirited away by the mining company and lost.

Read more
It's time to empower the mayor and make Auckland liveable again
102432 2019-02-17 00:00:00Z Politics

It's time to empower the mayor and make Auckland l…

by Bill Ralston

Making Auckland a liveable city is an unenviable task, writes Bill Ralston, but it's clear the mayor needs more power.

Read more
Knight star: Sir Hec Busby on his extraordinary life
102328 2019-02-17 00:00:00Z Profiles

Knight star: Sir Hec Busby on his extraordinary li…

by Clare de Lore

Northland kaumātua, master carver, navigator and bridge builder Hec Busby was hoping for “no fuss” when he accepted a knighthood.

Read more
Keira Knightley shines in bodice-ripping period drama Colette
102397 2019-02-16 00:00:00Z Movies

Keira Knightley shines in bodice-ripping period dr…

by James Robins

The story of Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette, a heroine of French literature, focuses on her early struggles.

Read more
Is barbecued meat bad for your health?
102255 2019-02-16 00:00:00Z Nutrition

Is barbecued meat bad for your health?

by Jennifer Bowden

Sizzling meat on the barbecue is the sound and smell of summer, but proceed with caution.

Read more
March of the Algorithms: Who’s at the wheel in the age of the machine?
102434 2019-02-16 00:00:00Z Tech

March of the Algorithms: Who’s at the wheel in the…

by Jenny Nicholls

Complacently relying on algorithms can lead us over a cliff – literally, in the case of car navigation systems.

Read more
IBM’s new quantum computer: The future of computing
102458 2019-02-16 00:00:00Z Tech

IBM’s new quantum computer: The future of computin…

by Peter Griffin

The Q System One, as IBM calls it, doesn’t look like any conventional computer and it certainly doesn’t act like one.

Read more
James Shaw: Capital gains tax key to fixing wealth gap
102456 2019-02-15 14:54:45Z Politics

James Shaw: Capital gains tax key to fixing wealth…

by RNZ

The week before a major tax report is released, Green Party co-leader James Shaw has again challenged his government partners to back the tax.

Read more